


Say it to Me Now

by drinibini



Series: Poison & Wine (Solas and Lavellan) [1]
Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: F/M, Fluff and Angst, Light Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-01
Updated: 2015-03-01
Packaged: 2018-03-15 19:38:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,511
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3459386
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/drinibini/pseuds/drinibini
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set during and after the celebration held for defeating Corypheus.</p>
<p>After retiring to her quarters, Lavellan finds that she has a visitor…</p>
            </blockquote>





	Say it to Me Now

  It was all too much for her. She was bone-weary in a way that she never had been before; physically and emotionally exhausted to her breaking point. It had been a week since the great battle with Corypheus, and she certainly did not feel at all like celebrating. But these people, the followers and friends that made up her new-found family, needed it. They had all moved around Skyhold like ghosts, living in a perpetual state of disbelief that it was finally _over_. Hopefully the party would make the victory seem real to them all. Lavellan reminded herself this, anxiously running a hand down the floaty material of the dress that had been presented to her like some sort of prize for beating the Elder One. As if a garment could make up for all that she had sacrificed…

_No_ , she chastised herself, shaking her head as if to rid it of the rebel thoughts. _You know you mean so much more to them, and they to you. You’re letting your heartache make you bitter. Don’t push them away._

  The dress, which she absent-mindedly worried with her small fingers, was green. Like the forest, like the Anchor, like the Fade; the colour that always made her think of him…

  “Inquisitor.” She was pulled out of her own traitorous web of thoughts by the sound of Cassandra speaking. She stood beside Varric, regarding the young elf. The Seeker had used Lavellan’s given name for a long time now, but she knew that Cassandra, at this time of celebration and relief, wanted to convey her respect for Lavellan as the saviour of Thedas, not just a valued friend. “You can leave if you like. I would be more than willing to make your excuses for you.” Lavellan smiled softly at the warrior, shaking her head.

  “Thank you, Cassandra, but that is not necessary.” She said, watching the frown between the Seeker’s eyebrows deepen.

  “Come have a drink with us, Rosie.” Varric suggested, his tone hopeful.

  “I will, I promise.” Lavellan replied, smiling at his use of her nickname. “Just… give me a minute, okay?” Varric nodded solemnly and Cassandra put a steady hand on Lavellan’s shoulder, comforting and strong.

  “I wanted you to know that although we could not possibly understand what you are going through, I am sure I speak for us all when I say that we do sympathise.”

  “Thank you, Cassandra.”

  “And we all have a few choice words for Chuckles. Bianca especially…”

  “Varric…” Cassandra warned the dwarf, who shrugged as if he couldn’t care less, but Lavellan could sense anger in him.

  “It’s fine, really.” She lied. They were quiet for a while, thinking. Then Cassandra cleared her throat before speaking again.

  “Please just try to remember that you are not… alone. We’re here.” _Even if he isn’t, you mean._

  “I know.” Lavellan said quietly, tears threatening to spill once more. Out of relief that the fight was over. Out of gratefulness for her friends. Out of the black despair that sat in the pit of her stomach, waiting to engulf her. _Don’t be so pathetic._ “I’ll stay a while longer.” Cassandra nodded, then walked through the hall with her to where everyone was watching a drunken Sera do her best impression of Corypheus, up on Bull’s shoulders.

  The night passed in a haze of drinks, laughs and speeches. The warriors of the inner-circle always seemed to huddle around Lavellan, glancing at the door as if someone unwelcome might arrive. She wanted to tell everyone not to worry, as he wouldn’t show, but instead she simply clutched a goblet of wine to her chest for the whole evening, refilling it multiple times as she hoped that the drink would help her to better join into the festivities. As she often was in her life, once again she was wrong.

  Finally, when Sera and Bull had drunk themselves into unconsciousness, the Inquisitor decided that she had stayed long enough. The party was pretty much over anyway. Dorian lay on a table, reading one of Varric’s books out loud to Vivienne as Varric scribbled down whatever he had been inspired to write that evening, sometimes looking up to point his quill at Dorian and add background to the story. Blackwall and Josephine were speaking in hushed tones over her ever-present clipboard. Maybe they were discussing Orlais or the Wardens, or perhaps it was something more between them; Lavellan didn’t particularly want to think about it at that moment in time. Cassandra and Leliana were also in a deep conversation, but the Seeker’s eyes followed Lavellan as she walked towards the door that was currently guarded by Cullen and Cole. The sight of the two mismatched blondes together would have made her laugh usually, but nothing was normal for her anymore.

  “Inquisitor.” The Commander said with a slight nod.

  “Hello, boys.” Lavellan greeted them with words she would have said before, but instead of a teasing, affectionate tone, it came out breathless and depressed. Cullen smiled kindly, and she looked over to Cole. His face was one of intense concentration. At least he had learnt that sometimes talking about things didn’t help. Back when her pain was of the raw, stab-wound kind, Cole had tried to make it better, but what he told her only made it worse. When she had asked Cole to please, _please_ stop, the spirit-boy had instead wrapped his arms around her tightly, as if to keep her from falling apart. It was the first time she had ever seen him actually choose to touch another person. Now, the pain was more of a throb, like a scab that you always feel but isn’t that bad unless you pick at it. Which she did, often.

  “Are you retiring for the evening?” Cullen asked her.

  “Uh, yes. It’s been a long week. You know, with Corypheus, the influx of pilgrims and all of the letter-writing, not to mention helping to organise the party...” She cut herself off with a sigh, looking over to Cole again. She felt a stab of guilt at knowing that the poor creature was suffering because of her, and rubbed his arm softly in an attempt to soothe him; a silent apology. Cullen’s eyes flicked over to the rogue, then back to Lavellan, no doubt knowing that it was probably the elf’s feelings that Cole was picking-up on in the first place.

  “Get some rest, for as long as you need. There are no pressing matters, and we need you at your best.” He told her, framing his caring advice as a soldier’s order.

  “Only if you get some rest too, Cullen.” She said, smiling a little.

  “Ah, you’ve called my bluff, Inquisitor.”

  “Hm…”

  “Alright, alright. I promise that I will… try… to rest. Is that acceptable?” She nodded, frowning. Once she had rested, she would make sure that every person had had a break, had what they needed and was well. But she knew that, as Cullen had said, she needed to be at her best for them. So she had to take care of herself first.

  “Goodnight.” She said to the room. Then everyone who was conscious murmured their good wishes for her for the evening in their own ways. Even Bull and Sera stirred to mumble something and wave hands in her direction sluggishly. Lavellan looked at these people who she had made hers, and who in turn had made her theirs, with tears in her eyes and a genuine smile on her face. _At least I managed to save them._

  She just managed to retreat though the door without bursting into tears. She leaned against the wall for a moment, getting used to the quiet. She slowly breathed in-out, in-out, then walked up the echoey stairs to her room. Once there she took a moment of stillness again to collect her thoughts, her toes curled up in the soft rug. In-out, In-out. Now that she was alone, the ancient whispers in her head were louder again. She could ignore them when there were other people around, but being alone made the incessant chatter between her ears maddening. At this point she honestly couldn’t care less about Ancient Elves and their infuriating riddles.

  But there was something louder than the Well, something that originated in her chest and cried out, _screamed_ into the oblivion when she was on her own.

  _Solas-Solas-Solas-Solas-Solas-Solas…_

  Had he only cared about the orb all along? Was his interest in _her_ only because of the Anchor? A masochistic, dark part of her wanted to simply believe that was true, hate him and get over it. It was certainly easier than to encourage the small candle-light-flicker of hope that he really did love her, but had left her anyway.

  _Solas-Solas-Solas-Solas-Solas-Solas…_

_ENOUGH!_ The sane part of her mind screamed back. She stalked toward the balcony and threw the doors wide open, gasping as the cold air hit her like a slap, clearing her thoughts instantly. Finally in control, she walked out onto the balcony and stood with her arms crossed, looking out at the hulking mountains. She made a mental note that she should probably try to write down some of what the voices from the Well were saying and send them to her Keeper. And she should really get a start on all of her paperwork…  

  Her mind strayed back to Solas. Of course it did; they had stood there on that very balcony many times together, and it was hard not to think about it. She tried to breathe normally, but when she inhaled a small sob escaped, and it was as if the breath got stuck halfway in her chest. Lavellan brought a hand up to her chest and clutched it, hunching her shoulders over. This was it; the dam within her breaking. She had fought this release many times over the weeks, and she was not going to let it take over now. In-out, in-out. _Shit, not now, please._ In-out, in-out. She put a fist down onto the balcony’s ledge in a fast, desperate punch, and the feeling disappeared as quickly as it had come as she exhaled. Brought back to her senses, she noticed the chill in the air with a slight shiver, and decided to go back inside.She expected a night of sleepless tossing until she could stand it no longer and paced the room, probably with report in hand in order to keep her mind busy if it would not rest.

  She turned to go into her room but stopped in the doorway, sensing the presence of another person before she saw them. And she knew exactly who it was, and it was that knowledge that made her brace herself against the doorframe to keep herself from falling.

  “You look as beautiful as ever, vhenan.” Solas said in a hushed tone, his velvet voice making her knees weaken further. Lavellan coughed a humourless laugh, which was better than the sob that threatened to return.

  “Of course, you are far too polite to leave without saying goodbye. What would the spirits say next time you went to the Fade? What a scandal that would be.” She said bitterly.

  “You know that your good opinion is the only one I seek.” He replied. He stood in the dark, arms behind his back. He would look calm to anyone that didn’t know him, but she could sense his anxiety in the set of his shoulders, in the desperation in his eyes.

  “It’s a shame that you do not have it then.” Solas took a deep breath and bowed his head.

  “I deserve that. I deserve every hateful speech and cruel insult that I know you have rehearsed in your head.”

  “Not hateful.” Lavellan said quietly. “I could _never_ hate you.” His shoulders drooped a little when she said it, and he closed his eyes as if it could stop the obvious look of intense pain that was clear on his face. That look made the stabbing pain in her stomach return, and she sighed deeply, shaking her head slightly. “Why are you here, Solas?” He shifted his feet, looking for the right words.

  “I owe you a debt.” Before he could continue, she interrupted him shaking her head.

  “You don’t owe me anything, and if you did I want nothing from you.” She said, though not as unkindly as she had intended. He smiled a little, his eyes sad.

  “It’s not in a physical sense. Instead I offer you… closure. The chance to say what you may want. So here I am for you to curse and scream at.”

  “That’s all very well and good, but I don’t want _closure_.” She whispered. “The only thing I’ve ever wanted was _you_.”

  “Please, my love; you know that’s not possible.” He replied in kind, his voice on the verge of breaking.

  “Why not?” She demanded, and he shook his head.

  “As much as you may not stop until you have the answers you want, I can promise you that I am more stubborn. I have had many more years than you to perfect it.”

  “That is no answer at all.” She hissed in reply. She was shaking now, her despair and rage clear for him to see. He looked at her solemnly, pain never leaving his eyes.

  “You once told me that you respected that my secrets were my own, that you could love whatever I gave to you and not seek any more from me.” She took a step towards him as if being pulled by an invisible force, by her need for him that eclipsed all ill-feeling.

  “That was before you decided not to give me anything at all!” She cried, daring another step towards him. “Now I would understand why you left me… why you decided that the path that you must walk must be alone! You think that you are like Cole; that once you remove yourself from the situation that you can make yourself no longer matter. You think that you walk through this world unseen, but _I saw you_ , Solas.” She ended her rant abruptly, then took a deep breath and spoke again, quietly, with a wavering voice. “Why wasn’t I good enough?”

  “No!” Solas exclaimed, and then suddenly he was across the room and she was in his arms. “You are, vhenan; you are _perfect_ to me. But my love for you does not change the fact that my fight is not yours.”

  “Haven’t you heard? I’m the Herald of Andraste; you should be begging for my help.” She said with a watery giggle, and Solas laughed softly as he caressed her face tenderly. Lavellan leaned into his touch, placing her hand over his. “What am I supposed to do, Solas?” She whispered. “Do you want me to fight for you? Because I will, to my very last breath.”

  “I know.” He said softly. “And that is precisely the reason why you can’t come with me.”

  Lavellan buried her face in the front of his tunic as a fresh wave of tears washed over her, and inhaled his smell that she knew so well. He kissed the top of her head, then rested his on top of hers, one hand in her hair and the other wrapped tightly around her. “This is it, isn’t it? The end.”

  “Yes.” He confirmed in a sad voice, then tilted her head upwards by her chin, so that she was looking into his eyes, which burned with fierce emotion. “If I had any choice, I would choose you _every_ time.” He said fervently. She watched emotions dance across his face, first unmistakable want, and then pain before he closed off his emotions once more and let go of her, taking a step backwards and shook his head. “I am sorry, this was selfish of me…” He said, and she knew that he was going to leave her, for good this time. So Lavellan broke the distance that he had made between them and grabbed his face, pressing her lips to his with a desperate hunger. She felt his body tense with hesitation, taking a moment to think, then he answered her kiss passionately, echoing her need with his own.

  They broke apart to catch their breath, but close enough that one could feel the other’s breaths on their lips, and gazed into each other’s eyes. He whispered her name as if it were a prayer, and it nearly broke her. Lavellan inhaled and held her breath for a moment, collecting her courage, then started pulling Solas’ vest from his shoulders. He froze, then quickly stopped her hands with his own.

  “I don’t want to hurt you any more than is… necessary, and _that_ would only make our parting worse.” She looked at him, defiance blazing in her eyes.

  “Do you not want to?”

  “ _Of course I do_.” He said, his voice thick. “But…”

  “Stop.” She interrupted him. “Solas, I want to spend the last of our time together in your arms. I don’t care about the pain tomorrow; tonight, _I need you._ ” He smiled at her, his head tilted slightly to the side as he regarded her. Lavellan wondered, as she had so many times, what exactly he was thinking.

  “Are you sure?” He asked softly. She nodded, looking at him with big eyes. He lifted her hands up to his lips and kissed them, then he replaced them to where they had rested on his chest. Lavellan hesitantly tried again to take his vest off, and this time he allowed her. Then she helped him remove his tunic and undershirt, then paused, taking in the sight of him. She ran her hands over the lines of his strong shoulders, then down to the planes of his chest, trying to memorise everything as she had never thought to do before. His breathing hitched at her touch, and she felt his hands move to her waist. They then moved to her back, where he found the fastening to her dress, which he deftly undid and slid off. “ _Beautiful._ ” Solas whispered. “You truly are a miracle, vhenan.” That broke the dam within them both, and they simultaneously reached for each other, pulling into a fierce kiss. Solas lifted her up and carried her to her bed, his arms tight and strong around her as if she were the most precious thing in the world.

  They didn’t part even when they removed what little clothing they still had on, but then Solas broke away. His eyes followed the path of his hands as he traced the curves of her body. She inhaled with a moan as he put his lips and tongue to her skin, and their eyes met as she reached out for him. He gave her his hand, and they entwined fingers tightly as he moved back up to kiss her. She held his face with her other hand, and smiled up at him.

  “I love you.” Lavellan told him.

  “I never stood a chance at not loving you. I am yours.” Solas replied before kissing her again.

  They made love desperately and fiercely, perfectly matched and both trying to sear every moment into their memories. When they had finished, Solas wrapped Lavellan in his arms, and she curled into his warmth, fighting her fatigue.

  “Sleep, love.” He murmured to her.

  “I can’t because when I wake, you will have left me.” He hesitated.

  “Yes…”

  “I don’t want to miss any moment with you.” She told him, words slurring a little, and Solas laughed softly.

  “I will be here while you dream, and will leave with the dawn.”

  “Will you at least visit me in dreams?”

  “I am not sure that is wise…”

  “At least say you’ll think about it.” He laughed again.

  “Alright, I shall _consider_ it.” She smiled as she nestled more into his chest, slipping more towards sleep.

  “I want you to know…” She started, then stopped.

  “What is it, vhenan?” He asked, stroking her hair and lulling her closer towards the Fade.

  “I will wait for you.”

  “Don’t promise something that you cannot.” He said softly.

  “You know I wouldn’t if I didn’t mean it. Solas, I swear to the entire pantheon, to the blasted Old Gods and even the bloody Maker and his bride, that you are the only man I will ever love. And I will wait for you for the rest of my life, if need be.”

  “I can’t ask you to do that.”

  “No asking necessary; I have already decided.”

  “We’ll see.” He sighed. “I would try to counsel you otherwise, but I doubt you would listen.”

  “I listen to everything you say, my love. I just chose to ignore some of it.” He laughed, and kissed her again.

  “We’ll see.” He repeated.

  “Trust me.” She murmured.

  “With my life.” He replied. Then, wrapped in the arms of her love, the last thing Lavellan heard before she no longer had the strength to fight the pull of sleep was Solas say, “You will always be my heart.”


End file.
